Joke Du Jour

[Northern Rider]

Heard a good one lately? Want to share it?

Here's the thread where you can post it up.

Just a couple to get us started . . .


DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt
for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep
up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I
was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard
that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of
my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must
try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
Seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate
with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated
cell, so he is safe.
For now...

********************************************

The Husband Store


A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

[Rambit]

Humm...seeing as you stole my dog dairy (previously posted i might add...haha), I'll dig deep and get ya something. In the meantime, let the good times roll!!! Rire du Jour et Vive la France or something like that.

Bernie

[300C_SRT8]

What did the women at the beach say to Micheal Jackson?



Hey get out of my son!!!!!!

[Rambit]

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.

The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.

20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.

By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!

He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?

So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
Bernie

[Northern Rider]

Originally Posted by Rambit

Humm...seeing as you stole my dog dairy (previously posted i might add...haha), I'll dig deep and get ya something. In the meantime, let the good times roll!!! Rire du Jour et Vive la France or something like that.

Bernie

I knew I had seen it somewhere before! LOL!

Since that one is yours, here is another one -


And who said old men do not think...

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and peach trees.

The pond was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.
One evening he decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket with which to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator!”

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[Rambit]

Speaking of old men...

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Bernie

[KWhale]

So there were 3 dogs sitting in the vet's waiting room. The first dog, a Cocker Spaniel. looks at the second dog, a German Shepard, and says, "Hey Shep, what are you here for"?

Shep says "Well you see, I'm a digger. I can't help it, I just have this urge to dig no matter what. I dig in the garden, the lawn, the flower beds, and just last week I even tried to dig in the living room"

Spanny says, "So what are they going to do for you here"?

Shep says "I'm here to get fixed"

Spanny says "Oh, sorry to hear that, that's ruff".

Then Shep says to Spanny "What are you here for"?

Spanny says "well, I'm a pisser. I piss in the house constantly. I don't think there is a room in my masters house or a piece of furniture that I haven't pissed on. I just can't help myself".

So Shep ask "What are they going to do to you"?

Spanny says "they're going to fix me too".

Shep says "that's ruff".

Then Shep turns to the last dog, a Golden Retriever and says "Goldie, what's your story"?

Goldie says "Well my problem is I'm a humper. I'll hump anything anytime anywhere. I hump legs, cats, feet, pillows, dead birds, you name it, I just can't help myself. The last straw I think was yesterday when my mistress was getting out of the shower. I was just sitting there minding my own business, when she bent over in front of me. I just couldn't help myself, I jumped on her back and started humping away."

Shep looks at Goldie and says "So I guess you're here to get fixed too then"?

Goldie says "No, I'm just here to get my nails clipped"

[Hemi57]

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian
coast while they were diving, he spends a terrible night wondering
what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says..."Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

"Well," says the bloke..."I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"
The Sarge says..."I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead, young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef, he got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.
"The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn, but after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks
what the good news is.

The Sarge says..."Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a
couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks...They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
all that...... So what's the other possible good news?

"Well", the Sarge says..."if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill
here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there
and pull her up again...

[Rambit]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer!" the man began, "I don't have time for this right now!"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But officer," replied the motorist. "I just wanted to say..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!", barked the officer.

A few hours later, the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the bridegroom."

Bernie

[Rambit]

Wakey wakey Pat. I gotta work today. Which one can I tell myself for not going in??? I was thinking #11...haha.

1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today."
2.) "When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it."
3.) "I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) for the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up New York Times. Accordingly, I will now be in late, or early."
4.) "I have to go in for a blood transfusion... My stigmata's acting up again."
5.) "I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6.) "I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet, so if you really want me to come in..."
7.) "I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant."
8.) "Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling."
9.) "I accidentally converted my calendar from Julian to Gregorian and lost today."
10.) "I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11.) "The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled."
12.) "The dog ate my car keys and we have to hitchhike to the vet."
13.) "Today I am compelled to remain an enigma."
14.) "My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it."
15.) "I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16.) "Constipation has made me a walking time bomb and I have to keep my back to an open window.

Bernie