New 2008 Rules for everyone

[Derek Mc]

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the new version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the rugby team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of whatever. Hey, it cost a quid. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky b@st@rds.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect football cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavoured water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some Scotch over ice and let it melt. That's flavoured water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Tylenol is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Boots, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge *******.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing up is standing there eating my Mars Bar.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. In America they televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating. Watching those ‘athletes’ at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

[CUEBALL]

Awesome! I'll have to post this on the bulletin board at work! LOL

[Rambit]

New Rule: Don't let Derek make anymore new rules...haha.

Bernie

[Maistro69]

I needed a good laugh!!

[Adam Control]

I like the football card one! That's hysterical! I don't agree with the eyebrow one for chicks though. What if the girl only has one eybrow? Or gigantic ones? I know this chick who is really hot but looks like Groucho Marx with the big bushy bastards on her forehead! They stop trimming those then what's next to stop? The Pits? And God knows I love me a nice landing strip! Don't take that away from me!!!

[rickgonz]

Thanks Derek, good laughs for the new year. I like flavored water, I mean Scotch on the rocks. And if you're in the US, that guy offering you a towel in the bathroom could be the Senator from your state!