UK Owners?

[goddardzilla]

Originally Posted by Murphy The Cat

Goddardzilla

i am trying to send you a personal insult (sorry
message) but it says your box is full.

Murphy The Cat

Murph

It's just the advanced CanFART technology repelling an Imperialist usurper.

Try again now.

Zilla

[Murphy The Cat]

To one and all

As I wrote to you last night, I mentioned that I would be unable to reply to any of your posts due to my hosting a dinner party containing among others Kofi Annan, the cast of Desperate Housewives and I can also now reveal

It all got rather out of hand as the night went on. Mr Annan claimed that the guinea fowl was so finely cooked and the roast potatos so wonderfully crispy (like his Mum does them) that he would have to leave me 2 x 45 gal containers of petrol - something about oil for food, a programme that he was very keen on supporting. The Duke of Edinburgh seemed to be having a very serious discuusion with Teri Hatcher about how series 2 would end and in the meantime the Queen (gawd bless her) managed to spill red wine on the living room carpet and insisted on trying to get the stain out using a combination of bicarbonate of soda and white vinegar - she's the pride of the nation but a bit dim at times when it come to drinking games.

But now to some of the issues that MrHealeyRick was addressing. I have spoken to the ex-owner of the Priory about the pictures he posessed of your night out in Windermere but he regrets to inform you that they are no longer in his posession. . Apparently the farmer who's sheep it was you were (nudge nudge, wink, wink) entertaining that evening has instead sold them to a "specialist" Dutch website who is going to publish them soon on www.friskyfleecybleaters.com on a subscription basis.
Members of his ex-staff were asking after you however. Do you remember Quinton the laundry boy who you helped carry the laundry to each day ? He certainly remembers you, and says that you were the nicest American shirtlifter he ever met.
And then there was Little Willie the receptionist who met you after you had visited http://www.kendal.mintcake.co.uk/product-range.htm where you said that you had enjoyed a marvellous morning watching the mintcake being made and an even better afternoon "fudgepacking" with some sweaty boys. He still holds a special place for you in his memory - a place that he wipes with toilet roll twice a day .
However MrHealeyRick I am not just hear to bring back the memories of happy times of your visit to the centre of the civilised world, but I also enquire as to where you obtained the picture of my Mother In Law
which you have so kindly shared with the rest of the world. I declare it is a fine likeness to the women and it is indeed a rare event to see a picture of an Americanian women (any Americanian women) without a mouthfull of chewing tobacco and a large bucket of fried chicken in her hand .

MrGoddardzilla
once again you make me laugh at your poor attempt at humour. You are to comedy what sand infested anusol cream is to piles relief.
I have gone to great lengths to track down some of your family history from the time when you lived in this great island.
I have found this picture which I took from your yearbook at http://www.wildanimalpark.co.uk/anim...sia/gibbon.htm and while I love what you've done to your fur colour (lighter does suit your eyes) may I be as bold as to suggest laying off the beer and the doughnuts a little.
I do hope that your efforts at CanFART are appreciated in Canadia and I am pleased that the authorities have found something for you to do. In dear Old Blighty it is referred to as "care in the community"
for societies less ahem "adept" members.

Mr (Mrs) Northern Rider may I be as bold as to suggest that you spend a little less time on the computer and mabye a little more money on a pedicure. Also, I couldn't help noticing that some of your toes have hair growing between them - did you and Goddardzilla share some bodily fluids at some stage. Please excuse me for a minute....................................sorry i've just vomitted at the thought.

Mikeyjohn thank you for your greeting, but sadly I must break some bad news to you. Much as I like your sign, I am not The Rock. My acting abilities surpass his and after by brief tempestuos affair with Stephanie MacMahon I am no longer welcome at WWE Towers. But for the sake of entente cordial

Where have all the Americanians gone ? Whilst there is lots of Canadans here enjoying a verbal joust - the boys from South of the Border are obvious by they're abscence. Perhaps I shall have to condense my posts down to 3 minute segments so that the Americanian attention span holds - well it works with TV after all. Hmm and then I could place some adverts for or or to relieve them of some worthless funny money dollars.

Ah well t'is time to go and survey my palatial grounds, until next time.

I am as ever, your one and only

Murphy The Cat

p.s. on topic for a moment (before admins shuts the thread for being off, off topic). The delivery date for my car has been brought forward to the End of Jan & DC Uk are also doing a couple of sexy mesh grilles (at surprisingly decent prices) Hurray

[HealeyRick]

Dear Murphy the ,

How wonderful to receive another one of your entertaining missives. I cannot begin to tell you how impressed I am to learn that you had the pleasure of having Her Royal Highness The Queen supping with you. Securing the presence of Kofi was certainly a coup, his access to oil will doubtless prove helpful once you take delivery of your diesel 300 (you do realize the diesel is an invention of the Hun, don't you?) My compliments to your rejection of the Otto cycle motor, the diesel is clearly the choice of refined gentlemen worldwide:



I am indeed pleased to hear of the early delivery of your new motor and faux Bentley grille. Have you thought of removing the original 300 grille and offering it for sale on eBay.UK? Perhaps some Bentley Boy, fresh from a day of riding to the hounds will espy it and secure it to bring his vehicle upmarket.

By the way, I strongly advise you delay your annual trip to the Continent in your new vehicle. I'm sure the young boys of Amsterdam will enjoy the respite and you will avoid your new purchase ending up like this:



Your Mon Amie Mates, the French, have decried such lawlessness. However to the thousands, if not hundreds, of Americans who have driven such wonderful vehicles as "LeCar" the Croix de Guerre may actually be in order for the torchers.

I am, however, Sir, appalled by your making sport of your mother-in-law. This is one area in which the unwashed rabble of the colonies outpaces the mother country in civility. Believe me when I say to you, no well-raised gentlemen in the Americas would ever stoop so low as to ridiculing the mother of his spouse. We can only conclude that your good wife did not leave these fair shores voluntarily. Perhaps this explains those bottles washing up on the beach with notes sayin "Help Me!". We just thought they were from the next episode of "Lost"

Looking forward to your reply at your earliest convenience



Rick

[goddardzilla]

Mon Petite Chat Murphy -

I previously mentioned that your CanFART file is still open, and an update of your residence has been forwarded to us.

Here is a picture of said mansion.


.
I am at a loss as to why it is named "Wormwood Scrubs" though - are the woods particularly wormy there? And why Scrubs - is this after your wife? - doubtless she's "the scrubber”.

You must be proud to see your family crest - flown when you are in residence



I hope that before you visit to the fair United States that you are able escape further than the restrictions of the ankle bracelet that H. M. P. S, have graciously provided you Free of charge:



I hear a model more suitable to your personality is currently being worked on:



I fear the dourness of your Lake District surroundings, and that steady diet of Coronation Street have worked on your mind more than any available hallucinatory drugs possibly could. Your continued fantasy life with the Queen, Kofi et al. can be easily treated by an effective course of shock therapy. There will be two very nice, very large men in white coats and a nice redheaded nurse named Linda along to see you soon.



Speaking of psychiatry the interesting Freudian image you let slip about Northern Rider and I exchanging fluids is well noted (and common for two males in your neck of the woods). Obviously Northern and my well deserved reputations for extending our wedding tackle over great distances has reached you. However outside forum, we have never met, and the actual geographical distance between us make said fluid exchange impossible. However as you are known to be particularly under-endowed your brave compliment is well taken. Thankyou

I am sure that if you should ever wake the sleeping American giant in our midst you will be welcome at the Guantanamo hotel where rolled copies of your tiresome forum posts will be lubricated (or not) and inserted in all your orifices doubtless bringing a smile of pleasure to your little ***** face. On the other hand a dinner date can be arranged for you with Mike Tyson.



Speaking of Mike's we notice that you seem to have an unnatural attraction towards Mikeyjohn even declaring that you love him in first reply post whilst this would put you in the "easy" category - I would caution you that even though I doubt that Mikey goes that way; I've heard he always likes it rough. Handcuffs, truncheons, and kinky police uniforms. So beware.

In addition Murphy the Cat I hear that you like to shave off most of your body hair, and to to help forum members visualize this, there is a picture of you as a shaved ***** here:

Do try to visit Canada. There are several interesting tours that could be arranged for you. Our hospitality is handled by Mr. Rambit and his associate Mr Johnny Nonose Bukakioni. We have already worked out a warehouse tour for you.Before we bid you a firm farewell (concrete adieu), a sendoff dedication. See attached image.

Zilla

[Rambit]

Mon Petite Chat Murphy -

Zilla: Do you have any idea what that means in French to someone from Quebec...hehe. Talk about Puss 'n Boots.

Speaking of Mike's we notice that you seem to have an unnatural attraction towards Mikeyjohn even declaring that you love him in first reply

Wow, I had no idea! Does Mikey feel the same way? Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it reminds me of a little story...

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, that might be OK in Ontario, but we're not having any of that sh!t in Alberta."

Does Mikey have longlegs?

Do try to visit Canada. There are several interesting tours that could be arranged for you. Our hospitality is handled by Mr. Rambit and his associate Mr Johnny Nonose Bukakioni. We have already worked out a warehouse tour for you.Before we bid you a firm farewell (concrete adieu), a sendoff dedication. See attached image.

Johnny tells me he's having a special this week on knee examinations and adjustments. Shall I take the liberty to book an appointment for Murph? Johnny says he'd be willing to travel most anywhere to meet him and examine him REAL good for Knee-moan-ia.

Rambit

[goddardzilla]

Originally Posted by Rambit

Zilla: Do you have any idea what that means in French to someone from Quebec...hehe. Talk about Puss 'n Boots.

Oui Mon ami

I can insult multiregionally as well as multinationally. I bet Murph drives a Buick LaCrosse .

Wow, I had no idea! Does Mikey feel the same way? Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it reminds me of a little story...

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, that might be OK in Ontario, but we're not having any of that sh!t in Alberta."

Does Mikey have longlegs?

I heard Murph called him the "Daddy of all Longlegs", but personally I don't believe it.

Johnny tells me he's having a special this week on knee examinations and adjustments. Shall I take the liberty to book an appointment for Murph? Johnny says he'd be willing to travel most anywhere to meet him and examine him REAL good for Knee-moan-ia.

Rambit

Yeah we'll book the cafone in, and you get a place ready. If the warehouse isn't too hot we could put everything on ice nicely let's give him "drive thro service". Fugetaboudit - no really - fugetabout it - he won't dare come here.

Zilla

[Murphy The Cat]

My apologies to one and all for my extended absecence. I know how much you North Americanian types look forward to contact with the civilised world and I appreciate the thousands of emails that you are sending me each day (some of them even have less than 10 spelling mistakes in them ).

The reason for my delay has been the extended time it has taken to prepare for my visit to your impoverished land. Have you any idea how much time it has taken to fill my personalised transporation

with supplies for my stay ?

There was of course decent drinking water



lovely Lake District water

food


drink for the trip over


and finally of course a supply of quality air, so that I do not need to share the odour that is passed on by the great unwashed.


and once again - to horse

Murphy The Cat

[HealeyRick]

My Dear Mr. Cat,

The inquiries by Rambit and NR lead me to ask if you are, perchance, related to: *****?

I am surprised with your close connection to the Queen you had such difficulty arranging air transportation to the States. Perhaps the results of your last immigration inspection
has required you to fly in quarantine? Immigration advises your usual facilities have been prepared until the incubatory period has expired.

We have found photographs of the last Kentucky family reunion held in your honor:
. We take it your lovely spouse is a member of the fine Kentucy family of the McCoys?

Remember, Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names.

Rick

[Murphy The Cat]

well my chariot is packed and now all I await is that air traffic control ground all of you grubby Americanians so that I can travel in the manner that I deserve and then

In preperation of my visit I have decided that 'when in Rome do as the Romans do' and to that end I have done a crash course in American etiquette.

To make sure that I fit in I have purchased an economy vehicle (hired is just so common)


and I have also elected to take the free fuel option

I have closely studied American food

and I am looking forward to visiting one of your "fast food restaurants"

Hopefully I will have left your Godforsaken wastelands before the effects take hold of me

As part of trip entails rest periods of up to 10 minutes at a time I have gone to the trouble of purchasing some relevant reading matter. I have bought "The history of the United States" (pmsl at that) which should take me about 5 minutes cover to cover, as well as 50 great Canadians - sadly when I opened the book it was empty.

To make sure that I fully fit in I have opened 25 credit cards and i am now $250000 dollars in debt. It is a good job that your funny money is worth about as much as because otherwise I might have to sell one of my (many) country estates.


I am so pleased with my attempts to blend in so far that I enclose a copy of the final picture that Lord Lichfield took of me before passing away. I can now reveal that his final words were "bloody helll Murphy, you look so stupid and ridiculous that you'll fit straight in"


And that's it for this evening gentleman - i'm now going to supervise the flogging of some peasants.

Murphy The Cat


oh just one final thing - I've looked everywhere for the final thing to help me blend in with real Americanians - but i've not been able to find a redneck to buy anywhere

Chocks away pilot & Tally Ho

[goddardzilla]

Don't forget to use this on the flight (and while formulating all your future posts)

[IMG]http://www.ph.unimelb.edu.au/~mlay/images/UNSW_vacschol/bull****-bag.jpg[/IMG]


Zilla